Aperture Science and the Scientific Plans
by Aorta Heartless
Summary: One-shots inspired by Monty Python and the Holy Grail. T for crude humor.
1. The Killer Rabbit

A silver eyed android pointed down the hole. "It is down there." He said.

The group looked down at the hole. All they saw was a small white rabbit.

"Where?" GLaDOS said.

"There!" The android said.

"Behind the rabbit?" Wheatley said confused.

"It _is_ rabbit!" It said in complete fear.

The group looked at the obviously insane android.

"Really it is!" The android said. "It's the most foul tempered rabbit you've ever laid eyes on!"

GLaDOS rolled her eyes.

Rick ran past the group. "LEEEERRRROOOOYYY JEEEENNK-!" He was cut off as his head was separated from his should to the other's horror.

"RICK!" Wheatley said before rallying the others.

* * Several minutes later * *

The group, three fewer, regrouped.

"Alright, who did we lose?" Wheatley said, nursing a bitten shoulder.

"Fact: We lost androids 452, 625, and 134." The pink haired android said.

"That's five." Wheatley said.

"Three, Wheatley." Chell said.

"Right, three." He replied. "What do we do? We need to get the Scientific Plans."

"Fact: we could taunt the rabbit." The pink haired android said. "Fact: it could become so crossed it would make a mistake?"

"Wait, we have the Lemony Hand Grenade of Aperture." C.C. said in a rare moment of adultness. "Don't you usually have it?" He turned to the violet haired android.

Morality paused. "I have it."

"How does it work?" Wheatley said as GLaDOS held out her hand.

Morality pulled out the box and handed the Lemony Hand Grenade of Aperture. "You pull the pin, count to three and toss it."

"Right then." GLaDOS said. She pulled the pin. "One, two, five!"

"Three, GLaDOS!" Chell said.

"Three!" She tossed it.

The group ducked.

*BOOM*

Lemon juice and blood coated the walls of the hole.

"Now we can continue." GLaDOS said and jumped down the hole.

**Plot bunny inspired by several things.**

_King Arthur's inability to count to three in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Valve's inability to count to three and the Lemon Rant._

**The Lemony Hand Grenade of Aperture replaces the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch; as does the Scientific Plans replace the Holy Grail.**

_Rick is the one that gets his head removed because he would be the one who ran in without a plan._

**Scene is the Killer Rabbit scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Awesome movie, go check it out.**

_Uhh… What else to say… Nothing else really._

**May add more scenes.**


	2. The Black Knight

"None shall pass." A dark eyed android said. It held a dark colored sword.

"Move." GLaDOS said coldly.

"None shall pass." The android repeated.

Chell rolled her eyes.

The Queen of Aperture saw a white sword. "I guess I'll have to make him move."

A brief clash ended with the dark eyed android's arm falling to the ground.

"Move aside, android." GLaDOS said.

"It's just a flesh wound." It said before attacking again.

"Your arm's off!" GLaDOS said.

"Not it's not." He said.

"What's that then?" Chell piped up.

The android chose to ignore the human and attacked.

GLaDOS rolled her eyes and struck again.

The android stumbled as his center of balance changed with the loss of his arm and sword.

"Come, lunatic." She said. "What th-" GLaDOS stumbled as the android kicked her. "I beat you. Stand down!"

"Coward!" He said.

GLaDOS groaned and sliced one of the android's legs. "That is just pathetic." She said as the android attempted to knock her off. "You are defeated!"

"I can't be!" He said, somehow still standing. "I am invincible!"

Chell was trying to not laugh.

"Why is most of Aperture insane?" She said before cutting off the android's last leg.

He looked around. "Alright, we'll call it a draw." He said as they walked away.

_Originally the Black Knight was to be replaced with Doug Rattmann._

**But we couldn't figure out how to remove his limbs without killing him.**

_Most of the dialogue is from the movie with some changes._

**Hope you enjoyed!**


	3. Bring out Your Dead!

A silver eyed android pushed a cart. "Bring out your dead!" She said. "Bring out your dead!"

"'Ere you go." A green eyed android said holding a nearly black blue eyed core.

"I'm not dead yet." It said.

"Come again?" She said.

"Nothing, here's your credits." The green eyed android said.

"It said it wasn't dead yet." She said.

"I'm not dead yet!" The core said.

"I can't take it like that." She frowned. "It's against my programming."

"I feel better!" The core said.

"You'll be dead in a moment." The android said. "Do me a favor, please?"

"Sorry, no can do." She said.

"Stick around for a few?"

"Sorry. The GLaDOS project lost 9 today, just tragic. I'd hate to get on her bad side."

"Please?"

"I think I could do a few more tests!" The core said.

"When do you come 'round?" He said with some hope.

"Thursday." She said killing said hope.

"I'm feeling better!" The core said. "I feel happy!"

"You're not fooling anyone!" He snapped. "Can't you do anything?"

The female android looked around her. She sighed. "Give him here." She said as she pulled a small sparking rod out.

"Thanks." He said.

*ZAP*

"Not a word." The female android said. "See ya on Thursday!"

_Ah, yes. The Bring out Your Dead scene._

**That is my fave scene in the movie.**

_Sorry, Killer Rabbit is mine. Anyways, this takes place before Portal._


	4. Burn the Witch!

Cave Johnson's eye twitched. His assistant looked down right furious. She always did hate wearing lab coats.

"We found a witch!" One of the androids said. "Can we make burn her?"

"I am _not_ a witch!" Caroline said trying to pull away from the android. "I _am not_ a witch!"

Cave sighed. "How do you she's a witch?"

Caroline was silent. Mr. Johnson was humoring them?

"She looks like one!"

"They dressed me up like this!" She claimed. "I wouldn't wear this, Mr. Johnson!"

"She put me into a potato!" A golden eyed female android said.

Mr. Johnson looked at the android.

A moment of silence. "I got better."

"Uh huh." Cave said.

'He isn't going to let them 'burn' me, is he?' Caroline thought.

"Unless you can bring me proof of being put into a potato, I cannot let you burn her." He finally said to the androids' dismay and Caroline's pleasure. "Even if she is a witch."

_Yeah, Caroline doesn't get burned._

**Cave is taking place of Sir Bedevere.**

_It was either Cave as Sir Bedevere and Caroline as the witch or Wheatley and Chell._

**With GLaDOS as the one being put into a potato.**

_Being 'burned' in Aperture merely being made to were clothes made out of potato sack cloth._


	5. Tale of Wheatley

Wheatley was trying to not kill the android who had decided to stalk him. A 'minstrel' it called itself.

It was claiming that Wheatley was unafraid to be killed in various nasty ways.

"I wouldn't!" He said after the minstrel got more and more morbid.

"Stop!" An android with three heads before him said. The voices made an echo effect. "Who goes there?"

"The brave Wheatley!" The minstrel sung.

"Shut it!" The blue eyed android said.

"Why are you here?" It said.

"To fight!" The minstrel said.

"NO!" Wheatley said. "Ju-just passing through." He stuttered. "Can I go?"

"Hmm…" The left head said. "No."

"Wha-what?" Wheatley said. "I was sent by GLaDOS."

"In that case, we'll have to kill you." The middle head said.

"What?!"

"Can I kill him?" The left head piped up.

"Oh, come on." The right head said. "Let's be nice to him."

"No!" The middle head said. "Hurry, get the prod out!"

Wheatley slowly backed up as the android argued with itself.

* * Several Minutes Later * *

"It doesn't matter let's just kill him!" The heads turned to a empty space.

"He buggered off!" The middle head said.

* * Wheatley and his Minstrel * *

The minstrel sung about how Wheatley 'bravely' ran away. Wheatley denied the obvious.

_Actually watching the movie. Wheatley seems to be the one who would best fit Sir Robin._

**The minstrel will be killed by GLaDOS due to how annoying it is and much rejoicing.**


	6. Help! I'm being oppressed!

GLaDOS' eye twitched as the android continued to rant on how Aperture was a democracy and how they took turns making major decisions.

"How'd you come into power?" Another android said.

"I was put into power because they chose to give it to me." GLaDOS replied.

"Ha." The first android said. "If I said I was king because a couple of humans told me to, I'd be offline!"

"Shut up." GLaDOS said.

"In fact, why _you_?" He asked. "Everyone knows that women are too weak to make proper decisions."

"Hey!" A female android yelled a few yards away.

"I said shut up." She hissed before back handing the annoying android.

"Help! Help!" The android said. "I'm being oppressed!" He tried to get away from the angered female android.

"I thought you said I was weak?" She said as she pulled him back and slammed him into the wall.

"Help!" He said as he found himself in the wall. "Come see the violence inherent in the system!"

"Stupid morons."

"You saw her!" The android said. "You saw her oppressing me!" A flash of sparks came from the android's dead as a gear imbedded itself.

"Now, I require some information." GLaDOS smiled. "Will you give it to me?"

The surrounding androids said nothing as the nodded in submission.

"Excellent."

_Yeah, got it stuck in my head, so I wrote it._


End file.
